


Size doesn't matter

by TheFreakZone



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24286717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFreakZone/pseuds/TheFreakZone
Summary: In which France overhears and totally misinterprets a conversation between two old rivals. ¿SpUK?
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	Size doesn't matter

**Author's Note:**

> I saw something funny and couldn't resist myself, I had to write this. Hope you like it :P

** SIZE DOESN'T MATTER **

"See? Mine is _definitely_ bigger!"

France stops dead in his track when he hears Spain's voice, reaching him all the way from behind a closed door. Every thought of where he was going or what he should be doing leaves his head, his curiosity too strong to ignore, and he tiptoes closer to the door.

" _Way_ bigger than yours!" Spain exclaims again, and France snickers.

He wonders who Spain is comparing sizes with. Prussia? No, he's seen Prussia only minutes ago, very busy helping Germany with some paperwork. Romano, perhaps? It _could_ be, but he finds it hard to picture Spain behaving like that with his beloved Italian. Same goes for Veneziano. Portugal! Oh, it _has_ to be Portugal. If there's a pair of siblings who'll hide in a room to argue about their size, it's definitely the Iberian brothers.

They could have asked him, France thinks, only a bit offended. He can give them a ranking of size and overall performance of… half of Europe, actually.

_Old whore_ , a voice that sounds suspiciously like England's whispers in his head.

"It's _so not bigger_!" England's actual voice yells from behind the door.

Oh.

…

_What the fuck?_

France nearly chokes with his own saliva, but recovers quickly because that would be a very undignified death and presses closer to the door.

"Do you have eyes for something other than standing under your eyebrows?" Spain screams. "Just _look_! Mine is clearly bigger!"

"It's not!" England screams back. "You're measuring it _wrong_!"

Well.

That was unexpected.

England, really? France wonders what has driven Spain to lock himself in a room with his ( _their_ ) archnemesis to… No, there has to be something else. France thinks he must be missing something, something important.

"Why can't you accept the evidence in front of you?" Spain hollers.

"Because it's not evidence! Just your delusions of grandeur!" England shrieks.

"I still don't understand — why does it matter?" a third voice asks.

It takes France a moment to recognize Gibraltar.

…

_What the actual fuck?!_

He's willing to accept that Spain and England really are _like that_ and will take their rivalry to the point of comparing sizes. It's not shocking. But to bring Gibraltar into it? To do it _in front of him?_ France feels a cold shudder traveling down his back and, just as he hears England and Spain yell in unison, " _Because it does!_ ", he decides he's already heard enough.

He leaves in fast strides, trying to focus back into the paperwork he needs to do, and makes a quick mental note:

_Have a serious talk with Spain_.

* * *

Gibraltar looks at Spain, then at England, and back at Spain. If glares could kill, he thinks, they would have annihilated each other a while ago. And he really can't understand why they get so worked up over something like this.

" _Look at this_!" Spain shrieks, waving the tablet he's been using to prove his point for the last ten minutes. There's a coloured map on the screen. "My empire was _four times_ bigger than yours!"

England takes his hands to his face and screams into them in frustration. Gibraltar sees him do that when he's particularly stressed or frustrated. Spain, France and Scotland are great at provoking it.

"For the last time," England says, softly, and then he's screaming again: " _For the last fucking time_ , you can't—you just _can't count the oceans as part of your territory!_ "

"Just because _you_ choose not to do that doesn't mean _I_ can't," Spain replies, stubborn.

"Oceans aren't territory! It's right there in the word — _terri-tory_. _Terri_. _Earth_."

"You know as well as I do that controlling the oceans was as important as controlling the land!"

Gibraltar sighs quietly as they fall, once again, into the cyclical argument they've been submerged in for nearly half an hour now. Not that seeing his fathers fight is new to him — no, that's been a constant in his life since he was born — but this topic hadn't come up before.

Usually, they just fight over his custody. Or to whom he looks more alike.

(In those fights, both will claim that Gibraltar looks _nothing_ like the other and has gotten everything from themselves. But later, when he's alone with just one of them, Spain always laments that he had the misfortune of inheriting England's eyebrows, and England begrudgingly agrees that his natural charm and bright smile can only come from Spain.)

" _Mine is bigger!_ " Spain screams.

" _It's not!_ " England shrieks back.

" _Hey, what the fuck?!_ " comes Portugal's voice from the corridor.

"Uncle Portugal!" Gibraltar exclaims, relieved by the interruption, and rushes outside to meet him, just as his fathers yell, horrified:

" _It's not what it looks like!_ "

**Author's Note:**

> So apparently if you take into account the territory that was officially claimed, the Spanish Empire is over four times bigger than the English because the Spanish considered the seas to be claimable (does that word exist?) and the British didn't. Evidently, any territory is way larger if you add the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans to the equation. And I thought this piece of information was way too fun not to write a short fic about it :P
> 
> Comment? n_n


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